i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
