i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
