Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
