Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
