If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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