The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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