oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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