woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
