Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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