just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
