i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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