We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
