Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
