i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
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I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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