It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
