omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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