I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
