I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
