Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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