Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize