I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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