gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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