i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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