i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
