Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
