you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
