We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
