Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
