Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
