I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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