i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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