What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
