And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
