This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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