I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
