My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
