It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
