Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
