i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize