none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
