I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
