you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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