Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
