i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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