I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
