My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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