With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
