Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
