i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you made out with another girl for some wings
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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