I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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