Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
