I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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