You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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