Your face is a jimmy john
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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