I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
