i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
