just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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